The Oscars. How does an event which offers so few surprises, has such little resonance with the common man, and is even more tightly controlled than Guantanamo Bay generate such excitement? Sure, the paparazzi shots on the red carpet offer the potential for starlets such as Scarlett Johansson to expose their ‘talents’ (thank you, The Sun), but the end result is always just a list. A boring, shockless list that is filed away neatly somewhere on Wikipedia and distributed to the drones that write the questions for new editions of Trivial Pursuit.

There was some concern this year about whether or not there would actually be any ceremony because of the writers strike. If the unshaven masses had held their resolve for just a few weeks longer we would have been treated to either an unscripted show – which surely would be even more painful than the horribly forced banter we’re currently subjected to – or they would have been forced to hold a smaller, low key event. Which is exactly how it should be, shouldn’t it?

Defenders of the garish spectacle claim that this is an occasion to (sigh) celebrate celebrities and give them a chance to let their hair down, squeeze into some diamond-encrusted fashion nightmare, and be recognised for their achievements. Er, hello? Isn’t that what happens all year round? Surely a more intimate event that dispenses with the carnival atmosphere and makes it about the business rather than the publicity would be more relevant and worthwhile?

Of course, I’m simply banging my head against a brick wall with this article as nothing, not even a giant Cloverfield-like monster ripping through Hollywood, will ever stop the implacable juggernaut of vulgarity. But it’d be great to find some time alone with the likes of Robert Redford, Al Pacino, Angelina Jolie, and Dustin Hoffman and ask what they would prefer.

Unfortunately, as they did not respond to our frequent emails and impromptu house calls, we’re forced to ask you, our non-dazzling readers - huge ghastly ritual sacrifice of taste and dignity, or intimate, delicate appreciation of talent and hard-work. You decide…