It’s the battle of the babes, ArtsWom-style, as we pit the husky-voiced charms of cultural pin-up, Mariella Frostrup, against the less-subtle attractions of page 3 ‘stunners’ Keeley Hazell and Lucy Pinder. Article continues after we present our three contenders…

Of course, we like to do things differently here, and so we are judging the respective talents of Ms. Frostrup, Ms. Hazell and Ms. Pinder on three, uniquely ArtsWom-esque, criteria: cultural significance, how they would fit into the ArtsWom team, and overall design.

Cultural significance – While Lucy Pinder may be far better known for her breasts (once voted “the most beautiful all-natural pair in Britain”), not many people will know that she regularly hosts a nightly show on Nuts TV called ‘Book at Bedtime’ in which she reads an extract from a popular novel. That’s pretty cultural, and puts fellow glamour model, Keeley Hazell, to shame. For her part, Keeley has been hailed as an ‘environmental hero’ and made an undeniable impact on the cultural consciousness with a leaked video tape but, as far as we’re aware, her performance did not earn even an honourable mention at the Sundance Festival.

Overall, both ladies are out-shone by the lovely Mariella, who has built a successful career by presenting art programming on a variety of media, writing for a number of publications, and making frequent appearances as a judge for art competitions. Frostrup for the win!

How they would fit in to the ArtsWom team – Mariella is definitely the more experienced of the three (in terms of arty reporting if nothing else) so would appear to be a perfect addition to the team. Despite this, we’re worried that she would quickly take control and force us to actually work hard for a change. This is something we’re not prepared to do. Our choice of glamour girls is therefore the delightful Keeley.

Why Keeley? Well, as the younger of the two models, we feel she would be the most impressionable and therefore likely to do all the boring stuff we don’t want to do, such as muck out the ArtsWom writer pens and perform all the painful coding tweaks to the blog that we’ve never bothered to learn. Also, she just seems the most pleasant. And ArtsWom needs fun and laughter to keep us going like we need vast amounts of alcohol. Keeley Hazell – welcome to the team.

Overall design – Nearing fifty and still looking good in a schoolteacher-ly crush sort of way, Mariella would be the discerning gentleman’s choice. And, having never seen the page 3 girls in their natural element, we can’t in good conscience judge the aesthetic appeal of the younger ladies. All have their own charm and we’ll be happy to take all to our homes to see our mothers.

Considering Lucy Pinder has yet to pick up a point, however, we’ll let her take the aesthetic accolade. After all, millions of white van men can’t be wrong…

Conclusion – So the results are in – and it’s an undeniably dull, three-way tie. After much deliberation, however, we can confirm that, if we had our way, we’ll take Mariella to the library, Keeley to the funfair, and Lucy Pinder on a worldwide cruise in case we capsize and need some sort of easily-accessible flotation device.

Does Mariella light your cultural fire? - Find out more.